Growing Together

Joyah turned 3years old on Oct 13^th!  How in the world did our little 17 month old China baby become 3 years old already?  We celebrated Joyah’s birthday the same day we celebrated our youngest son Josiah’s baptism with much praise and thanks for what God has done in our family’s life. 

Joyah enjoyed a “Minnie Mouse” cake and even sang along to the “Happy Birthday” song as our family once again showered her with love.  She enjoyed her cake and presents much more this year.  On October 15^th, Joyah began to attend the “Great Beginnings” preschool where she attends for a few hours four days per week.  She receives preschool education, special therapy services for vision and speech, and occupational therapies.  Joyah had no problems going off to school and leaving Mom for a few hours, which is good and bad.  Although you want your child to be confident and independent, this lack of anxiety when separated from us as her parents is still of concern. 

Over the course of the past eight months or so, I have become “full-time” Mom to my children, particularly Joyah.  We have not left Joyah in the care of others (even family) but for a few hours on a few occasions.  We have sought to be her only source of affection, primarily receiving hugs, kisses and lap time from Mom or Dad.   All of this is being done to solidify that we are Mom and Dad and that we provide all the love, care and nurture that is needed.  If you think about it, that is what newborns get when all of their needs are primarily met by their mother or father.  This is how they learn to trust and learn to accept and receive love.  When this is not done for the child in the early stages of life, their brain does not make the connections it needs to form healthy attachments and develop trust.  Literally and physically, a child’s brain is developed differently which makes it very difficult and sometimes impossible to correct. 

In all honesty, the past year or so have been the hardest of my life.  Only over the past eight months have we really even understood why our daughter acted so kindly to strangers, but so very hateful to us.  Most of her anger directed at us is done out of fear, and now that we understand that, it’s a little easier to swallow.   I have spent many days where for hours, I hold Joyah while she kicks and screams at me all because I said something “too kind” to her or I offered to “play” with her.   This simple action triggered fear.  It often can be very hard to distinguish three year old disobedient girl stuff from what is a fear-based behavior.  Rather than a time out or other “negative” approaches, discipline for Joyah involves holding her through a fit and making her re-do her behavior the right way.  Every day is different and every day presents a new challenge.  She is always trying to start a “fight” in some way because if she can get us upset with her, she believes she is then in “control” and doesn’t have to respond to the love that we show her.  The more we show her love, the more often she is triggered to respond by pushing us away physically and emotionally.

Through all of this difficulty, I do believe that God knew before we did what we would encounter and chose us to fight this battle with and for Joyah.  It is a battle for her heart, soul and mind.  It is a battle for one of His precious children.  God is slowly growing us together as we learn to trust him more to raise Joyah for His glory.  HE is faithful and is giving us hope in the battle.  Joyah recently said, “I need a hug” and wholeheartedly accepted it.  God is good!

"Gotcha 1 year!"

How can I even begin the describe the events of this past year?  March 23, 2014, James and I were in Guiyang, Guizhou, China on our way to a building where we were to meet our daughter, Joyah Mi Ni for the first time.  This is known as "Gotcha Day".  We were excited and scared to death at the same time as we entered a small business building in the middle of the city.  We rode an elevator to an area in which several children were waiting with their foster parents to meet their new adoptive parents.  There she was, in the arms of her foster mother and foster sister waiting to meet us.  It was a moment like no other in the world.  She was very friendly and loved making faces at us.  When her foster mom handed her over for the first time, we expected her to cry, but she didn't and we were overjoyed at this new gift that God had given us. 

Over the past year, we have experienced new joys and many "firsts" with Joyah.  She took her first steps on Mother's Day and has gone on to experience life outside of concrete walls.  Joyah has not always liked new things such as grass, animals, trees etc but she has begun to enjoy them in her own timing.  Today, she loved just playing in the rocks in our backyard.  Last year, she would have been very upset to sit outside in grass to play with rocks. She has come so far!

In October, Joyah turned 2 years old and also received her glasses.  Joyah loves her glasses and get a lot of attention from her cuteness in them, which she eats up.  Along with the glasses, came a new stage to add to the many therapies she receives for speech and physical deficits.  We had to begin "patching" her better eye in order to force the brain to use her weak eye.  Her weak eye is legally blind and was so blind that when we started patching, she couldn't avoid walking into walls.  6 months later, we are happy to report that she can identify pictures in books using her left eye while being patched.  She still isn't happy about being "patched" for 6 hours per day but seems to be tolerating it a little better. 

In the midst of the joy that God brought to our family through Joyah, we have also experienced great confusion.   We didn't realize at the time, but when Joyah didn't cry for her foster mom, like all the other kids being adopted the day we got her did, we should have known something wasn't quite normal.  Joyah is charming and especially charming to people outside of our home.  She can melt anyone's heart and be a perfect angel.  However at home, we were beginning to see something quite different and realized that she would rather be anywhere else or with anyone else.  After talking with professionals and finally putting pieces together in our heads that for a while didn't make sense, it became clear that Joyah has many symptoms of an "Attachment Disorder".  This makes it difficult for her to allow herself to become close enough emotionally to fully attach to us as her Mom and Dad.  In her little mind, she is waiting for us to leave her and therefore will not allow herself to become too close.  To protect herself she has to push us away in anyway she can in order to feel safe emotionally.

Even though we are pushing through this new realization with Joyah, we know that God is stronger than anything and he is using this situation in our lives to bring glory to himself and the situation.  I am now a full-time stay at home Mom in the past couple of weeks and I realize that God has given me a new full-time job.  I may not get the "breaks" that I would like sometimes, but it gives me more time with the boys as well and gives me much more time and reason to say "Help God, I need you!"  It's so easy to become less dependent on God when things are going well and I am so thankful that God chose us to be Joyah's Mom & Dad!

Here are some memories of the past year....

First time we saw Joyah

First time holding Joyah

Back at the hotel taking off all the layers of clothes!

First bath- not thrilled

Joyah coming home to meet brothers

First Easter

First steps on Mother's Day

First Halloween

First Christmas

First ice cream

2nd birthday

Got my glasses!

Chinese New Year 2015

I like baths now!  March 22, 2015

Reflections

 

As I reflect on the year of 2014, I can think of so many of God’s blessings.  Joyah Mi Ni was promised to us on January 14^th and last Christmas we celebrated with her in mind but not yet home.  This year, she has been home 10 months and celebrated Christmas as a McNutt.  It didn’t take long for her to figure out that presents and Christmas lights were pretty fun.  She calls all lights, even police car lights “pretty” now. 

Looking back on last January we were excited to announce Joyah’s future arrival and anxious to receive travel approval which eventually happened in March.  We had so much to try to prepare for but God provided the expenses and needs as they came up.  Wow, so much has changed in one year!

Since arriving home, Joyah has gone from a crawler (only on a bed) to a walking, bouncy 2 year old little girl.  Her hair has grown; she wears “pretty” bows and adores the glasses that she now wears.  She is able to drink independent from a straw, eat with a fork/spoon and say “Love you”.   All of this seems so simple, but for Joyah it’s not simple as the doctors were unsure if any of this would ever happen.  She has overcome a lot and test results would say, she shouldn’t be able to do the things she can do. 

Joyah recently moved into the “2 year old” classroom at the daycare she attends twice per week and has been a little jabber box about it.  The stimulation of older peers seems to be great for her and has encouraged her will to try to talk and properly annunciate words a little more.  It also forces her to use the “bad” left eye more when we are patching her “good” right eye for the morning hours. 

In December we revisited the Ophthalmologists’ for a check up on Joyah’s vision.  Her left eye that previously could see basically nothing when the right eye was patched, is now seeing out of the left corner.  Her left eye will point toward her nose but she is able to see objects on her left side.  She is avoiding walls and obstacles much more and can even poke food with her fork when she wants to while patched.  We are so thankful that the Lord is allowing her eye to improve. 

Joyah also began to receive therapy services from CCVI (Children’s Center for Visually Impaired) in December.  These therapists are able to provide physical, occupational and speech therapy services with her visual impairment in mind.  She has already received many educational materials and visual aids that will help her improve in all areas of development. 

The biggest challenge that we as parents face is Joyah’s lack of will to try hard to succeed.  It is hard work to constantly push a 2 year old to work on therapeutic activities that require her effort when she would rather not do anything at all.  She was babied so much prior to her adoption that she would rather be held all day and never walk or climb a stair.  Simple tasks can be a big challenge for her, such as using her right hand to pick up a puzzle piece but for a child who has lack of control in that hand and has a strong will against trying to get better at things, you can begin to understand the parent/child battles that occur. 

Even in the midst of the challenges that God has given to us, it’s hard not to reflect on the blessings that occurred as well.  God is always ready to help us with our challenges and I know that through it all he will be there for us and will make us stronger.  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  2 Cor. 12:9